First Group Meeting.

Last night I attended my first group meeting and workout session. There are 6 of us in the group and despite being totally different, it would appear we have a lot in common.

The cast:

B: My assigned partner. Late 30's woman, recently laid off from a major accounting firm. She is engaged to be married, still lives with her parents and thinks I'm great. I like her already. She picked me as her partner and despite me thinking it's a really bad fit, we were assigned. I suppose I should have protested, but I feel kind of sorry for her and I think I can be a good motivator for her. I just hope she doesn't bail on me. But to be frank, I'm pretty sure she won't be in the program a month from now. She has already complained that the exercises are too hard and the food too restrictive. Sigh. She wants to lose 100 pounds so she can fly on a plane to the Philippines to visit her grandmother.

J: Late 40's man. He owns a decorating company and lives with his partner and their 5 cats in Boystown. I immediately wanted to be his best friend. I have that reaction to almost every gay man I meet, so this is not surprising. He wants to lose 40 pounds. He made me laugh when he said his reason for being there was "Looking like Buddha is not bringing me closer to Nirvana."

N: Mid 60's woman, grandmother, very well dressed, very well spoken. She teaches theatre at a major university in the city. She also has a side business she mentioned no less than 8 times but never elaborated on. I am dying to know what it is. At this point, I am totally convinced she has a sex shop or some sort of sordid website. She wants to lose 20 pounds so she can play more actively with her grandchildren.

D: Mid 40's woman, new to Chicago, very funny but shy. She is recently divorced, no children. She has gone through 4 thyroid surgeries in the last 2 years. She hopes to lose 40 pounds to get her mojo back and to get back into the dating world.

E: Man, late 40's, single, lives in Lincoln Square. He has a boring desk job he hates but has a passion for stained glass. He wants to lose 70 pounds so he can obtain private health insurance and start his own glass shop.

We started the session with a group therapy class. We did exercises in calming and centering, got our guide books and drew pictures of how we see ourselves. I can't figure out our scanner, but as soon as I do, I'll post my picture. I think it's pretty telling of how I feel right now. It's basically a cross between a Jackson Pollock and a 5 year old's art project. I shall name it Chaos in Crayon.

After the group therapy session, we moved to the gym. I am by far the most in shape of the group and that kind of bums me. I do better with competition and I'm not going to get any here. The trainers had us get on an elliptical, a bike, a treadmill and a rowing machine for 10 minutes each. I was the only one who could do all 10 minutes on each. I was also the only one who jogged on the treadmill and the only one who upped the resistance on any of the machines.

I felt like the trainers were spending more time with the members of the group who were struggling. I pulled one of the trainers to the side and mentioned that I was concerned I wouldn't be challenged enough. She was really cool about listening to my concerns and offered to train me Mondays and Wednesdays one on one so I could be challenged. So 12 weeks of training free! SWEET!

I had my initial fitness assessment after the workout session. I will leave my exact numbers and measurements out of this post because I know my husband is reading this blog. The one number I will post is my flex-arm lifting strength. It was 68 pounds. This puts me in the "excellent" category, or as I will always refer to it: the mom category. I figure 68 pounds to be roughly equal to 24 pound baby + 13 pound baby + 2 Graco Snugride carriers + 1 double Snap-N-Go Stroller + 1 diaper bag + 1 set of keys + one dog pulling on a leash. With the babies growing at approx 3 pounds per month combined, I will need to improve that. I think by the end of 2010, I will able to flex-arm lift a small VW.

First appointment recap.

It was pretty much like a doctor's appointment. The doctor took my weight (still fat) and my height (still short) and then took more blood than any doctor ever has.

I scheduled my stress test and first training session. Those are this week, so I'll update as those happen.

The most eventful part was a test where I breathed into a machine for 15 minutes to calculate my base metabolic rate. The number for the first test came back as 3560 calories. The doctor looked at the paper, frowned and said that couldn't be right. So back on the machine I went. The second test came back at 3350. He frowned again and got a different machine. The third test came back at 3490.

The doctor explained to me that the number was extremely high. "Like an elite male athlete," he said. Well, given that I am obviously not male and many years from being an athlete, it's a sign that something is wrong.

We went over my food journals. I have been eating about 2200-2500 calories a day for the last four months but have still managed to gain 30 pounds. With a metabolic rate that high, I should have lost around 24. Sooooo, off to the endocrinologist I go.

The doctor confirmed what Dano suspects. I most likely have some sort of hormonal imbalance that was somehow "cured" during pregnancy. That would explain why I lost 30 pounds while pregnant, despite eating like a teen aged fat kid.

In some way it's a relief. I know that I am to blame for the majority of my weight. I got fat one bad food choice at a time. But, when I started making good choices and watching my portions, I should have at the least maintained my weight. Knowing now that I was fighting a losing battle makes me feel like I will be more successful now. There's a reason I have failed that is not 100% me. Now it's more like 60% me. That's a number that seems much more manageable.

I admit that I was childish about it. When I see no results from being "good," I tend to feel like, "fuck it, might as well eat what I want." That has definitely not helped at all.

I met with the counselor and we talked about my family and my relationship with food. The counselor asked me "Why now?"

It took a bit for me to answer. I've been fat my WHOLE LIFE. I have always been the fat friend, the fat athlete, the fat girl. It's a role I have become way to comfortable with. It's cozy. It's scary to think that I have come to think of it as who I am and not just what I look like.

The realization came to me about a month ago during a trip to the gas station. (random, I know)

I pumped the gas and went inside and bought a pack of cigarettes, a Redbull and a donut. I went back to my truck and heard Birdy in the back cooing and laughing. I looked at my purchases and started crying. Who buys that? A person who doesn't care much about themselves, that's who.

What kind of mother am I if I teach my daughter to treat herself like this? I am her example. How do I show her to love herself if I don't love myself? I don't want her to struggle with weight. I don't want her to not do things and to sit life out because she feels like she's to fat to join in.

So now, I look at my life and my weight and I realize that it's not who I am, it's simply what I am. I now have a very profound reason to live as long as I can and to live the healthiest lifestyle possible.

So that's why I joined the program. It isn't to be able to buy clothes at Banana Republic or to look great in a pair of jeans or to have sex with the lights on. I have no interest in being the "hot mom."

But I want to be a great mom. And I want to be a great example. I don't want Birdy to grow up emulating who I am right now. I want her to emulate me at my best.

So, game on. My goal is to decrease my body fat percentage by 8% and to lose 4 inches from my waist and hips. I'm not putting a pounds lost goal, but I will definitely track that.