First appointment recap.

It was pretty much like a doctor's appointment. The doctor took my weight (still fat) and my height (still short) and then took more blood than any doctor ever has.

I scheduled my stress test and first training session. Those are this week, so I'll update as those happen.

The most eventful part was a test where I breathed into a machine for 15 minutes to calculate my base metabolic rate. The number for the first test came back as 3560 calories. The doctor looked at the paper, frowned and said that couldn't be right. So back on the machine I went. The second test came back at 3350. He frowned again and got a different machine. The third test came back at 3490.

The doctor explained to me that the number was extremely high. "Like an elite male athlete," he said. Well, given that I am obviously not male and many years from being an athlete, it's a sign that something is wrong.

We went over my food journals. I have been eating about 2200-2500 calories a day for the last four months but have still managed to gain 30 pounds. With a metabolic rate that high, I should have lost around 24. Sooooo, off to the endocrinologist I go.

The doctor confirmed what Dano suspects. I most likely have some sort of hormonal imbalance that was somehow "cured" during pregnancy. That would explain why I lost 30 pounds while pregnant, despite eating like a teen aged fat kid.

In some way it's a relief. I know that I am to blame for the majority of my weight. I got fat one bad food choice at a time. But, when I started making good choices and watching my portions, I should have at the least maintained my weight. Knowing now that I was fighting a losing battle makes me feel like I will be more successful now. There's a reason I have failed that is not 100% me. Now it's more like 60% me. That's a number that seems much more manageable.

I admit that I was childish about it. When I see no results from being "good," I tend to feel like, "fuck it, might as well eat what I want." That has definitely not helped at all.

I met with the counselor and we talked about my family and my relationship with food. The counselor asked me "Why now?"

It took a bit for me to answer. I've been fat my WHOLE LIFE. I have always been the fat friend, the fat athlete, the fat girl. It's a role I have become way to comfortable with. It's cozy. It's scary to think that I have come to think of it as who I am and not just what I look like.

The realization came to me about a month ago during a trip to the gas station. (random, I know)

I pumped the gas and went inside and bought a pack of cigarettes, a Redbull and a donut. I went back to my truck and heard Birdy in the back cooing and laughing. I looked at my purchases and started crying. Who buys that? A person who doesn't care much about themselves, that's who.

What kind of mother am I if I teach my daughter to treat herself like this? I am her example. How do I show her to love herself if I don't love myself? I don't want her to struggle with weight. I don't want her to not do things and to sit life out because she feels like she's to fat to join in.

So now, I look at my life and my weight and I realize that it's not who I am, it's simply what I am. I now have a very profound reason to live as long as I can and to live the healthiest lifestyle possible.

So that's why I joined the program. It isn't to be able to buy clothes at Banana Republic or to look great in a pair of jeans or to have sex with the lights on. I have no interest in being the "hot mom."

But I want to be a great mom. And I want to be a great example. I don't want Birdy to grow up emulating who I am right now. I want her to emulate me at my best.

So, game on. My goal is to decrease my body fat percentage by 8% and to lose 4 inches from my waist and hips. I'm not putting a pounds lost goal, but I will definitely track that.